1 00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:04,436 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:08,173 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:11,643 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,880 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:18,250 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:21,436 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,505 --> 00:00:23,121 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,823 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:29,778 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:35,416 Charge! 11 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,687 Boy, what a great day for a baseball game. 12 00:00:38,755 --> 00:00:39,966 Yeah, and these are the best seats 13 00:00:39,990 --> 00:00:41,568 in the house for catching home run balls. 14 00:00:41,592 --> 00:00:42,924 That'd be sweet. 15 00:00:42,993 --> 00:00:45,460 The only souvenir I ever got was at that stock car race. 16 00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:55,737 All right, I got the guy! I got the guy. 17 00:00:58,858 --> 00:01:00,236 Man, I hate the Yankees. 18 00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:02,205 Yeah! You are all villains to me 19 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:05,429 because I happen to live in this region of the country. Yeah! 20 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,445 What's going on? Did I miss something? 21 00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:10,919 Nah, just some idiot streaking across the field. 22 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:14,089 Ha-ha. You're all looking at my penis. 23 00:01:14,158 --> 00:01:17,059 You didn't plan on it, but it's happening. 24 00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:23,181 Oh, man, these stadium bathrooms are always so disgusting. 25 00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,867 Look at that. There's even a guy taking a crap in the sink. 26 00:01:25,936 --> 00:01:28,870 Oh, the last guy totally wrecked this sink. 27 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,218 Oh, cool. Two spots opened up. 28 00:01:32,242 --> 00:01:36,711 You go ahead. I can wait. I might wait for a stall. 29 00:01:36,780 --> 00:01:38,540 Oh, come on, Peter. We're missing the game. 30 00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:44,236 Hey. Hi. Hey. 31 00:01:44,304 --> 00:01:46,116 Damn it. He already started. 32 00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:48,251 If I don't start peeing soon, it's gonna be weird. 33 00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,286 He'll be all done, and I'll still be here. 34 00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:52,310 Come on, Peter. Pee. 35 00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:53,689 Your dad fought in World War II, 36 00:01:53,713 --> 00:01:55,024 and you can't even pee in a urinal? 37 00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,359 What the hell's wrong with you? 38 00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:57,863 All set? Yup. 39 00:01:58,485 --> 00:01:59,984 I know you didn't go. 40 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:02,637 I'm gonna go pee in a stairwell. 41 00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:07,091 Now batting for the Red Sox, number 34, David Ortiz. 42 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,893 Come on, Big Papi! 43 00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:12,130 It's coming straight for us! 44 00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:13,498 I got it, I got it! 45 00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:16,401 Mine! I got it! It's my ball. 46 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,437 Damn it, Brian! That came to me! That's my ball! 47 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:21,656 What? 48 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,091 Holy crap! 49 00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:36,355 Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity." 50 00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:38,724 Ha! No, but he is our friend. 51 00:02:43,047 --> 00:02:45,591 - And now it's time for the - Channel Five Sports Report 52 00:02:45,615 --> 00:02:46,915 brought to you by Kia. 53 00:02:46,984 --> 00:02:49,184 Kia: Too bad it's a Kia. 54 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:50,586 A big day at Fenway today, 55 00:02:50,654 --> 00:02:53,154 as the Red Sox bested the Yankees seven to six. 56 00:02:53,223 --> 00:02:55,101 But what really has everyone talking 57 00:02:55,125 --> 00:02:57,503 is the fan who lost his toupee at the game. 58 00:02:57,527 --> 00:02:58,972 The hilarious video already has 59 00:02:58,996 --> 00:03:01,174 over two million views on YouTube. 60 00:03:01,198 --> 00:03:03,932 Comments ranged from sympathy all the way to racial slurs 61 00:03:04,001 --> 00:03:06,078 directed at others who chose to comment. 62 00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:08,970 Great, I'm a laughingstock. What do I do? 63 00:03:09,039 --> 00:03:12,240 Come on, Quagmire. It's not so bad. You could kill yourself. 64 00:03:12,309 --> 00:03:13,808 Well, it's just a thought, 65 00:03:13,877 --> 00:03:16,173 but have you ever considered just embracing your baldness? 66 00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:17,462 Yeah, Brian's right. 67 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,941 You know, there's lots of big Hollywood celebrities 68 00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:20,510 who have gone bald with dignity. 69 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:24,369 John Travolta, David Spade, Nicolas Cage, Jeremy Piven. 70 00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:26,082 And besides, don't you think you'll be happier 71 00:03:26,106 --> 00:03:27,717 just being who you really are? 72 00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,986 Maybe you're right. What the hell. 73 00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:31,687 I mean, what other choice do I have at this point? 74 00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:33,311 Everybody knows now anyway. 75 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,081 Great. Trust me. Nobody's gonna give you a hard time. 76 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:37,749 And even if they do, just ignore them. 77 00:03:37,817 --> 00:03:39,685 That's what I do with that weekend bully. 78 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,720 Hey, your weekend sucks! 79 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:45,523 I've already gone on a hike and fixed a few things around my house! 80 00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,092 What are you doing? 81 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,000 Peter, who is that man? I don't want to talk about it. 82 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:55,416 Dad, there's a weird bald guy out in front of our house. 83 00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:58,665 Oh, that's just Quagmire. He's acting all different now that he's bald. 84 00:03:58,689 --> 00:03:59,849 I'll go talk to him. 85 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:04,576 Hey, slow down! Drive like hell, you'll get there! 86 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,022 Quagmire, what the hell are you doing? 87 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,690 I'm just letting all these hot-rodders know 88 00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:10,715 that this is a neighborhood, not a speedway track. 89 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:14,152 Too fast, too fast! Our children should not have to live in fear! 90 00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:16,832 Okay, well, how come you're not doing this in front of your own house? 91 00:04:16,856 --> 00:04:19,402 Oh, my ham radio interferes with the radar gun. 92 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,504 Talked to a fella in Papua New Guinea last night. 93 00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:23,589 You should come by sometime and join in the fun. 94 00:04:23,613 --> 00:04:25,446 Hello? 95 00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:27,015 Uh, hello? 96 00:04:27,084 --> 00:04:29,217 Are you bald? Yeah. 97 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:36,107 Can I help you? Well, I hope you can, Sharon. 98 00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:39,344 I'd just like to return this VHS copy of Pete's Dragon. 99 00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:42,914 Watched, enjoyed and rewound. 100 00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:45,862 Uh, there are a lot of people waiting. Is there anything else? 101 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,953 Uh, yes. Do you have a garbage can back there? 102 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:51,022 I have the backings to some Fruit Roll-Ups I need to discard. 103 00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,391 I'm sorry. That's for library trash only. 104 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,026 I understand. That's okay. 105 00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,106 I'll just hold on to these for the rest of the day. 106 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,531 It ain't easy being green, huh? 107 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,899 That's from a song. 108 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,111 Is that all? Yeah. 109 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,368 Is there an age restriction 110 00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:05,770 for the sleight-of-hand magic show this afternoon? 111 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,472 Twelve. Oh... 112 00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:10,041 Maybe I'll just stand in the hallway and look in. 113 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,610 Now, we all saw you put your card back in the deck. 114 00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:16,081 So how did it end up in your shirt pocket? 115 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,050 Oh, my God, how did he do that? 116 00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:24,856 Oh, no, there's Quagmire. 117 00:05:26,176 --> 00:05:27,742 He's been so weird lately. 118 00:05:27,811 --> 00:05:29,389 You notice now that he's bald, 119 00:05:29,413 --> 00:05:31,357 whenever he thinks about something, he scratches his wrist? 120 00:05:31,381 --> 00:05:33,915 Hey, Quagmire, we got a pitcher. You want a beer? 121 00:05:33,984 --> 00:05:35,450 Eh, I don't think so. 122 00:05:35,519 --> 00:05:37,530 I was planning on looking at pictures of birds later, 123 00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:39,665 and I don't want to be all fuzzy-headed for that. 124 00:05:39,689 --> 00:05:41,601 Listen, Quagmire, we hate you now. 125 00:05:41,625 --> 00:05:43,125 Yeah, you used to be fun. 126 00:05:43,193 --> 00:05:45,171 Yeah, now you're always either preparing for a colonoscopy, 127 00:05:45,195 --> 00:05:47,340 or just coming back from a colonoscopy. 128 00:05:47,364 --> 00:05:48,841 The fuck's going on down there? 129 00:05:48,865 --> 00:05:50,676 Well, that's what we're trying to figure out. 130 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:52,112 Come on, we want our buddy back. 131 00:05:52,136 --> 00:05:54,080 I'm not putting that toupee on again, Peter, 132 00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,538 so I'm not sure what you want me to do. 133 00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:58,084 You could get a hair transplant. 134 00:05:58,108 --> 00:05:59,508 Oh, yeah. Like one of those guys 135 00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:00,976 pretending to get out of the pool. 136 00:06:01,011 --> 00:06:02,555 That looks all right. Yeah, come on, Quagmire. 137 00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:05,379 Get the hair transplant. Come back to us. 138 00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,293 You're right. This isn't me. 139 00:06:07,317 --> 00:06:09,728 Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads. 140 00:06:09,752 --> 00:06:11,586 There you go, that's pretty gross. 141 00:06:11,655 --> 00:06:13,254 Yeah, that's the spirit, Quagmire. 142 00:06:13,323 --> 00:06:16,368 Oh, boy, listen, thanks for putting up with me the last couple weeks. 143 00:06:16,392 --> 00:06:19,710 Hey, no problem. You put up with me when I was barefoot guy. 144 00:06:19,779 --> 00:06:22,914 Boy, nothing like a beer with the fellas, eh? 145 00:06:22,982 --> 00:06:24,593 Peter, would you mind putting on some shoes? 146 00:06:24,617 --> 00:06:26,451 Oh, you mean foot prisons? Yes, I would. 147 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,306 Glenn Quagmire? 148 00:06:32,375 --> 00:06:33,820 Why does that name sound familiar? 149 00:06:33,844 --> 00:06:35,221 Oh, yeah, I treated you for butt flu. 150 00:06:35,245 --> 00:06:36,911 Hey, you want to keep it down? 151 00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:40,180 Easy now. That's my privilege as a doctor to talk about that stuff. 152 00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,836 How's it going, Dr. Kamada? 153 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:45,971 Bob! 154 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,740 Matty. 155 00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,575 Oh, hiya, Rachael. 156 00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:52,376 Oh, hey, Dr. Geller. 157 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:53,612 Sarah. 158 00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:55,513 Jim. 159 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:56,781 Merianna. 160 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,216 Geez, Joe. Yeah, I come here a lot. 161 00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:00,663 All right, I'm gonna hit the john. 162 00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:03,099 Good. Me and Joe can stay here and tell secrets. 163 00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,523 I'm wearing my dead grandmother's panties. 164 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,605 I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Pewterschmidt, 165 00:07:09,629 --> 00:07:11,312 but the cancer is terminal. 166 00:07:11,381 --> 00:07:14,015 If you're lucky, you've got two weeks to live. 167 00:07:14,084 --> 00:07:15,450 I understand. 168 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:18,869 Oh, my God! Carter's dying? 169 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:22,098 I now declare this hair transplant officially over! 170 00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:24,675 Hey, hey, hey! 171 00:07:24,744 --> 00:07:25,876 Hey, he's back! 172 00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:27,512 You look great, Quagmire. 173 00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:32,128 Oh, my God. One of my patients on Two has been shot. 174 00:07:37,507 --> 00:07:39,274 Hey, Stewie. Um, hey, what's up? 175 00:07:39,342 --> 00:07:41,609 Were you... Were you just looking at Rollerblades? 176 00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,861 What? No. Yeah, who cares? What do you want? 177 00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:45,730 Listen, I was at the hospital earlier, 178 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,749 and I heard something I wish I hadn't. 179 00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:50,768 Oh. Please do not tell me it was a sexist remark, 180 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,670 because that is not okay. 181 00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:54,951 You know, those nurses are busting their asses, 182 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,092 weighing people and seeing how tall they are. 183 00:07:57,177 --> 00:08:00,845 Stewie, I heard a doctor tell Carter he has two weeks to live. 184 00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,564 What? Are you sure? 185 00:08:02,632 --> 00:08:04,098 I saw it with my own eyes. 186 00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:06,534 I gotta check this out. 187 00:08:06,603 --> 00:08:08,854 Oh, my God, you're right! He looks awful. 188 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:12,557 Wait, how are we seeing this? 189 00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:15,026 Oh, I've got a nanny cam hidden inside his house. 190 00:08:15,094 --> 00:08:17,807 Watching him nail his cleaning woman is how I'm learning Spanish. 191 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:20,075 Although I'm not sure what the Spanish word "no" means, 192 00:08:20,099 --> 00:08:21,443 because it doesn't seem to mean 193 00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:23,078 the same thing as it does here. 194 00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:25,414 And the worst part is, I don't think Lois even knows he's sick. 195 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:28,105 Oh, this is going to destroy her! 196 00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,285 Just thinking about it makes me all giddy, 197 00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:32,727 like a group of women ordering dessert. 198 00:08:32,795 --> 00:08:34,895 And then we have a chocolate, chocolate cake 199 00:08:34,964 --> 00:08:37,110 that's infused with chocolate served with chocolate ice cream 200 00:08:37,134 --> 00:08:38,611 and a molten chocolate topping. 201 00:08:38,635 --> 00:08:40,480 We'll have one of those with four spoons. 202 00:08:40,504 --> 00:08:43,070 More like four of those with one spoon for me! 203 00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:57,903 Oh, hi, Brian. Hey, Lois. 204 00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,238 Listen, I have something I need to tell you, 205 00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,690 but it might be difficult for you to hear. 206 00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:05,109 What is it? Lois, 207 00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:07,528 I think your father is dying. What? 208 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:09,747 Ha! 209 00:09:09,816 --> 00:09:11,661 Brian, what are you talking about? 210 00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,918 Well, yesterday at the hospital, 211 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:16,187 I heard a doctor tell him he has cancer, 212 00:09:16,255 --> 00:09:17,966 and that he has two weeks to live. 213 00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:20,892 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Daddy! 214 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,695 Yeah, I feel really horrible for you, and I hate to do this, 215 00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:27,399 but I'm trying to catch a 4:50 movie, and it's, like, 4:40 now, 216 00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,402 and so if I'm gonna make it, I have to leave, like, now. 217 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,741 Yeah, this stinks, 218 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:39,444 but I've already blown this guy off, like, twice, so... 219 00:09:44,534 --> 00:09:46,278 I've been trying to call my parents all day, 220 00:09:46,302 --> 00:09:47,713 and I can't get ahold of them. 221 00:09:47,737 --> 00:09:49,637 Mom, is Grandpa gonna die? 222 00:09:49,706 --> 00:09:52,807 No, Chris, God's gonna help him, and he's gonna get better. 223 00:09:52,875 --> 00:09:55,894 He is gonna die, Chris, and there is no God. 224 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:58,046 Meg, stop being truthful with your brother. 225 00:09:58,114 --> 00:10:00,381 I'll tell you, this obituary came out great. 226 00:10:00,450 --> 00:10:03,784 "Carter Pewterschmidt died today of the disease cancer. 227 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:06,954 "In lieu of flowers, please send carnival rides to Peter Griffin 228 00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:09,023 "at 31 Spooner Street." 229 00:10:09,092 --> 00:10:12,210 If we get just one ride out of this, it will have been a success. 230 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,400 Lois? What are you doing here? 231 00:10:19,435 --> 00:10:23,504 Mom, I've been trying to get ahold of you. Is Daddy okay? Where is he? 232 00:10:23,573 --> 00:10:26,574 Oh, he's fine, dear, but now's not a good time. 233 00:10:26,642 --> 00:10:28,042 He's very busy. 234 00:10:28,111 --> 00:10:30,912 Look, I know something's going on. I want to see him. 235 00:10:33,783 --> 00:10:35,550 Daddy? 236 00:10:35,618 --> 00:10:37,402 Well, look who's here! 237 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,270 Daddy! You're okay! 238 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:41,250 Of course I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be? 239 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,169 Well, Brian said you were dying! 240 00:10:43,193 --> 00:10:44,759 And I finished a book! 241 00:10:44,828 --> 00:10:48,462 I promised myself I'd work that in. I might've jumped the gun. 242 00:10:48,531 --> 00:10:49,731 I didn't finish it. 243 00:10:49,799 --> 00:10:51,959 I'm so glad you're all right. 244 00:10:52,001 --> 00:10:54,568 Brian, how could you get us all worked up like that? 245 00:10:54,637 --> 00:10:55,937 Yeah, shame on you! 246 00:10:56,005 --> 00:10:57,772 Oh, you're gonna get it, Brian. 247 00:10:57,841 --> 00:10:59,540 You are gonna get it when I drink. 248 00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:02,493 What the hell's going on? 249 00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:04,006 Last night, Carter was on his deathbed, 250 00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:05,441 and now he looks better than he ever did. 251 00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:07,410 Well, they say laughter is the best medicine. 252 00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:09,433 Maybe he went to a comedy club or something. 253 00:11:11,021 --> 00:11:13,321 In my neighborhood, we didn't have no Kool-Aid. 254 00:11:13,390 --> 00:11:15,156 We had food coloring and water. 255 00:11:15,225 --> 00:11:17,669 Mama used to call it "Fool-Aid." 256 00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:19,027 No, I don't get that. 257 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,839 And everybody had an Uncle Earl. 258 00:11:20,863 --> 00:11:22,341 You know, that uncle that sit around 259 00:11:22,365 --> 00:11:23,809 in the house all day in his under-drawers 260 00:11:23,833 --> 00:11:25,499 saying he between jobs. 261 00:11:25,568 --> 00:11:29,203 To be between jobs, you had to have had a job in the first place! 262 00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:30,582 That's accurate! 263 00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:33,408 And Earl got that cell phone. He on the Sprint plan. 264 00:11:33,476 --> 00:11:35,410 When the bill come, he sprint. 265 00:11:35,478 --> 00:11:38,062 Yes! So many of them are delinquent in payment. 266 00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:45,587 Rupert, move your legs. I can see your balls. 267 00:11:45,655 --> 00:11:47,567 Stewie, this is gonna sound crazy, 268 00:11:47,591 --> 00:11:50,002 but I have a theory about what's going on with Carter. 269 00:11:50,026 --> 00:11:51,971 Really? What is it? Well, think about it. 270 00:11:51,995 --> 00:11:55,129 If Carter Pewterschmidt, the dynamic chairman of Pewterschmidt Industries, 271 00:11:55,198 --> 00:11:58,466 were to fall ill or even die, the stock price would plummet. 272 00:11:58,535 --> 00:11:59,779 I don't want you to think I'm not listening, 273 00:11:59,803 --> 00:12:01,848 but when's Christmas? Not for a while. 274 00:12:01,872 --> 00:12:03,032 But what I'm saying is, 275 00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:05,523 I think Carter is sick or possibly even dead, 276 00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:07,904 and that the man we saw today was an imposter 277 00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,606 brought in to keep Pewterschmidt Industries' stock price up 278 00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,408 and to keep people from knowing the truth. 279 00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:13,876 Boy, you are just gonna keep on talking 280 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,811 with that poppy seed stuck in your teeth, aren't you? 281 00:12:15,835 --> 00:12:18,014 Anyway, what are you suggesting? We can follow him, 282 00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,270 see if he's really Carter. 283 00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:20,716 Okay, but I got to be home by 7:00. 284 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,051 I'm supposed to talk to the police 285 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,395 about that shooting I witnessed. 286 00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:27,923 Good Lord, are you all right? 287 00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:32,583 If I die, leave two dollars' worth of flowers right here. 288 00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:34,852 Here's my fourth grade class photo. 289 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,087 Lean it against a cheap candle. 290 00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:38,356 Should I call an ambulance? 291 00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:40,257 No. Call Channel Nine. 292 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:44,829 And have a gap-toothed woman say, quote, "He never bothered nobody." 293 00:12:49,168 --> 00:12:50,780 Okay, if this guy is an imposter, 294 00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:53,516 he's gonna have to do everything Carter normally does. 295 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,518 We just have to wait and see if he slips up. 296 00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:56,742 All right, here he comes now. 297 00:13:02,899 --> 00:13:03,942 All right, Stu, now, if we can just... 298 00:13:03,966 --> 00:13:05,466 No. What? 299 00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,768 You know what you did. 300 00:13:07,837 --> 00:13:09,448 Hey, wait a minute. If this is an imposter, 301 00:13:09,472 --> 00:13:11,772 then this guy we're following never had cancer. 302 00:13:11,841 --> 00:13:13,686 Yeah, so? Well, you're a dog. 303 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,109 Can't you just sniff cancer? 304 00:13:15,178 --> 00:13:16,689 No, that's just a myth we started 305 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:19,130 so we could stick our snouts in girls' boobs. 306 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:21,043 It's nice to have a clean bill of health. 307 00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:24,302 Well, for now. The key is weekly follow-ups. 308 00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,604 You know, cervical cancer is also a problem. 309 00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:28,617 My boyfriend thinks he might have prostate cancer. 310 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:29,657 Nope, doesn't. 311 00:13:35,831 --> 00:13:37,331 Okay, now we've got him. 312 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,378 The real Carter would never go to a Starbucks. 313 00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:41,802 He thinks they're too liberal and pretentious. 314 00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:45,489 Coffee for Brent. 315 00:13:47,593 --> 00:13:49,627 Latte for Cecil. 316 00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:53,258 Beanie? 317 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,710 None of those people are real. 318 00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:57,446 I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins. 319 00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,637 Woodstock's over, assholes. 320 00:14:11,134 --> 00:14:13,234 Wow. You certainly look a lot better 321 00:14:13,303 --> 00:14:15,336 than that walking corpse I saw last week. 322 00:14:15,405 --> 00:14:18,217 Well, no one's ever gonna see that again, I can promise you that. 323 00:14:18,241 --> 00:14:20,018 I can't stress how important it is 324 00:14:20,042 --> 00:14:21,787 our secret be kept from the public. 325 00:14:21,811 --> 00:14:23,244 I understand, sir. 326 00:14:23,313 --> 00:14:27,147 And I assure you that Specimen Z is secure on level 12. 327 00:14:27,216 --> 00:14:28,449 Did you hear that, Brian? 328 00:14:28,518 --> 00:14:31,318 That "walking corpse" was Carter dying of cancer. 329 00:14:31,387 --> 00:14:32,753 This guy is an imposter. 330 00:14:32,822 --> 00:14:34,121 Oh, my God. 331 00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:37,308 And I bet Specimen Z is the real Carter's body. 332 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,937 You two didn't hear that, did you? 333 00:14:38,978 --> 00:14:41,523 Hey, buddy, we're just trying to read the paper here. 334 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,259 I'll have you fired for talking to me like that. 335 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:44,483 I don't work here. 336 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,831 - Then I'll have you killed. - I want to die. 337 00:14:47,504 --> 00:14:49,170 I hated that guy back there. 338 00:14:52,609 --> 00:14:54,725 Okay, this is level 12. 339 00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:58,112 There's the lab. Let's get in there and find Carter's body. 340 00:14:58,181 --> 00:14:59,881 Oh, crap, there's a keypad. 341 00:14:59,949 --> 00:15:01,994 We're just gonna have to try and figure out the code. 342 00:15:02,018 --> 00:15:05,252 When's his birthday? I think it's in March. 343 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,922 Stewie, are you crazy? That's so loud. The guards will hear. 344 00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:09,035 Don't worry about it, Brian. 345 00:15:09,059 --> 00:15:11,159 Hey, what's going on down there? 346 00:15:11,227 --> 00:15:12,459 Nothing. 347 00:15:12,528 --> 00:15:14,812 All right. 348 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,458 All right, now, where would they keep a dead body 349 00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:18,165 in a pharmaceutical lab? 350 00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:19,517 Brian, look. 351 00:15:21,153 --> 00:15:22,620 That's it. I bet he's in there. 352 00:15:33,116 --> 00:15:34,849 Oh, my God! 353 00:15:34,918 --> 00:15:37,151 Specimen Z isn't Carter's body. 354 00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:40,821 What is it? Specimen Z is a cure for cancer. 355 00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:45,693 Carter didn't die. He cured himself. 356 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,689 Hold it right there. 357 00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:51,115 Damn it, Brian. You broke into my lab. And you didn't wear a suit. 358 00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:53,484 Hey, why didn't he have to wear a suit? 359 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:54,852 See what you've started now? 360 00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:02,710 Carter, you found a cure for cancer? 361 00:16:02,779 --> 00:16:03,956 Well, I didn't come up with it. 362 00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:05,657 A couple of eggheads I hired did. 363 00:16:05,681 --> 00:16:07,648 One of them's a Chinese. 364 00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,328 Boy, I don't like those people. 365 00:16:09,352 --> 00:16:11,869 But holy crap, wind them up and watch them go. 366 00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:13,454 How long have you had this? 367 00:16:13,523 --> 00:16:16,073 I don't know. When was that Who Let the Dogs Out? song? 368 00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:18,375 You've had this since 1999? 369 00:16:18,444 --> 00:16:20,589 You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out? 370 00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,613 It's a song about dogs and letting them out. 371 00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,765 I could have you arrested for breaking in here. 372 00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:27,396 Carter, you've discovered the holy grail of modern medicine. 373 00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,531 Why the hell would you keep it buried like this? 374 00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:30,637 I'll tell you why. 375 00:16:30,706 --> 00:16:32,151 Because there's far more money to be made 376 00:16:32,175 --> 00:16:34,175 in treating a disease than in curing it. 377 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,043 Why cure someone of cancer in a day 378 00:16:36,112 --> 00:16:37,289 if we can treat them for a lifetime 379 00:16:37,313 --> 00:16:39,364 and bill them every step along the way? 380 00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:40,765 What? That's insane. 381 00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:43,534 Brian, it's so cold in here, look how big my nips are. 382 00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,636 They're almost like a woman's. 383 00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:48,717 Oh, look, I'm tugging at them and they're getting even bigger. 384 00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,486 Carter, what you're doing here is criminal, 385 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,221 and I'm gonna tell the whole world about it. 386 00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:55,045 Is that right? Who's gonna believe you? The Internet? 387 00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:57,915 You'll be just another nut-job, left-wing blogger. 388 00:16:57,983 --> 00:16:59,950 - Security! - Everything's fine. 389 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,252 No, it isn't. Get in here. 390 00:17:03,238 --> 00:17:05,372 Damn it! You bastards! 391 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:07,218 I don't know why you're surprised by this, Brian. 392 00:17:07,242 --> 00:17:09,220 Big corporations never tell the truth. 393 00:17:09,244 --> 00:17:10,978 Look at the Kleenex industry. 394 00:17:11,047 --> 00:17:12,424 Well, we had another good quarter. 395 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,559 I guess a lot of people are sneezing out there. 396 00:17:14,583 --> 00:17:18,419 Jerry, I'm going to let you in on something, and it can't leave this room. 397 00:17:18,487 --> 00:17:21,889 Our research shows the primary use of our product is sperm. 398 00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:24,369 What? Yeah, and brace yourself for this. 399 00:17:24,393 --> 00:17:27,195 The second biggest use is women crying about nonsense. 400 00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:28,340 But I thought sneezing was... 401 00:17:28,364 --> 00:17:30,932 Jerry, Jerry, it's sperm and nonsense. 402 00:17:33,869 --> 00:17:36,715 I can't believe Carter would sacrifice millions of lives 403 00:17:36,739 --> 00:17:38,384 just to protect corporate profits. 404 00:17:38,408 --> 00:17:39,873 Well, don't be too upset. 405 00:17:39,942 --> 00:17:43,060 Old Stewie here snagged a little souvenir on his way out. 406 00:17:43,129 --> 00:17:45,495 Oh, my God, Stewie. You got the cancer cure. 407 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,097 How'd you manage to steal it? 408 00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:50,134 It was easy. I just took it while you guys were yammering on. 409 00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:53,220 I swear, I felt like I was waiting for Lois to get off the phone. 410 00:17:53,289 --> 00:17:56,123 That is amazing. All right, Bonnie. 411 00:17:56,192 --> 00:17:58,159 Well, it was good talking to you. 412 00:17:58,227 --> 00:18:01,929 No way. She did? When did she say that? 413 00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:05,566 You know what? That doesn't surprise me. That's how she is. 414 00:18:05,634 --> 00:18:11,338 Okay, then. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right, I'll see you Tuesday. 415 00:18:12,308 --> 00:18:14,909 Oh, no. What happened? 416 00:18:14,977 --> 00:18:19,546 That's terrible. Oh, my God, just awful. 417 00:18:19,615 --> 00:18:21,448 Well, you give them my best. 418 00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:25,019 Okay, I got to go. Stewie and I are headed out to the beach. 419 00:18:25,088 --> 00:18:27,988 Oh, I didn't tell you? He's learning to swim. 420 00:18:28,057 --> 00:18:31,892 Oh, I got him the cutest swim trunks. At Kohl's. 421 00:18:31,961 --> 00:18:35,662 You've never been to Kohl's? Well, let me tell you about Kohl's. 422 00:18:37,066 --> 00:18:39,178 All right, well, you know the mall with the Chili's? 423 00:18:39,202 --> 00:18:40,267 It's across the street. 424 00:18:41,437 --> 00:18:43,170 Bonnie? Bonnie, are you there? 425 00:18:43,239 --> 00:18:45,199 - What happened? - Let's go! 426 00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:50,761 Oh, there you two are. 427 00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:52,608 Lois, there's something incredible I have to tell you. 428 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,876 And there's something incredible I have to show you. 429 00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:57,220 I learned how to do a somersault. 430 00:18:58,605 --> 00:18:59,921 Did I do it? 431 00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,606 There he is. Crap. 432 00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:06,177 Daddy? What's going on here? 433 00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:09,180 Brian here has stolen something very important from me. 434 00:19:09,248 --> 00:19:11,415 Give it to me, Brian. 435 00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:13,367 Lois, your father has a cure for cancer, 436 00:19:13,436 --> 00:19:15,556 but he won't release it because it's not profitable. 437 00:19:15,604 --> 00:19:16,987 So I stole it. 438 00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:18,755 Daddy, is this true? 439 00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:19,990 Yeah. So what? 440 00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:22,070 So I found the cure for cancer and didn't announce it. 441 00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,560 Big deal. I also took a dump today 442 00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:25,073 and didn't issue a press release. 443 00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:27,137 Oh, that's interesting, because I did. 444 00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:28,565 Good for Peter. 445 00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:31,002 It's about time the media covered something positive. 446 00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:33,904 Daddy, you're the chairman of a billion dollar company. 447 00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,584 You've got more money than anyone 448 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,219 could ever spend in one lifetime. 449 00:19:37,243 --> 00:19:39,877 Are you challenging me to a Brewster's Millions? 450 00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,990 Is money all that you care about? 451 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,348 What if somebody close to you got cancer? 452 00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:46,428 What if the maid who raised you 453 00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:49,372 'cause your parents were too wealthy and busy got cancer? 454 00:19:49,421 --> 00:19:51,055 You mean Mamie? Yeah. 455 00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:52,607 What if Mamie got cancer? 456 00:19:52,675 --> 00:19:54,308 Mamie's not getting cancer! 457 00:19:54,377 --> 00:19:55,876 Or how about one of us? 458 00:19:55,944 --> 00:19:59,813 What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren? 459 00:19:59,882 --> 00:20:03,767 For once in your life, do the right thing. 460 00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:06,337 All right, pumpkin. I'll do it. 461 00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:07,821 I'll do it for you. 462 00:20:07,890 --> 00:20:09,807 You will? You promise? 463 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:12,409 Yes. I'll make the announcement tomorrow. 464 00:20:12,478 --> 00:20:16,613 Oh, Daddy. Thank you so much. You're my hero. 465 00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:18,549 Oh, that's her father? 466 00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:24,499 Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker. 467 00:20:24,523 --> 00:20:26,068 Our top story, a big announcement 468 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:28,332 out of Pewterschmidt Pharmaceuticals today. 469 00:20:30,579 --> 00:20:31,991 Company chairman Carter Pewterschmidt 470 00:20:32,015 --> 00:20:33,959 released a statement announcing the launch 471 00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:37,518 of a deodorant for the developmentally disabled called Slow Stick. 472 00:20:37,586 --> 00:20:42,023 It's also edible because, you know, those people don't... 473 00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:45,108 Don't know... And now sports. 474 00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:48,946 That's it? What the hell? Where's the cancer cure announcement? 475 00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:51,315 That son of a bitch went back on his word. 476 00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,263 Hello? Daddy. 477 00:20:55,287 --> 00:20:58,522 We're all sitting here in front of the TV awaiting the big announcement. 478 00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:01,236 Remember the one that's gonna benefit all mankind? 479 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:04,227 The one you promised to make for me, your daughter? 480 00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:05,796 I lied. 481 00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:08,699 Lois, you can't stay mad at him. He's rich and successful. 482 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:10,312 It doesn't excuse what he did. 483 00:21:10,336 --> 00:21:11,535 It'll be fine. 484 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,838 He'll just do a magazine cover with a wink to who he is, 485 00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:15,005 and all will be forgiven. 486 00:21:17,576 --> 00:21:19,043 Oh, Daddy. 487 00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:22,071 I know. If he's such a bad guy, why's he on a magazine?